shannon is so city

Hello dear readers.

It always feels foolish returning here. Obviously it has been awhile since I sought out the refuge that my blog has to offer. But now and then, I feel like writing to you guys, you people that I have never even met, is the only way I can be honest with myself.

I have always been kind of a lonely girl. Although I have dated many guys, I often found that I couldn’t keep their attention. I have chalked most of that up to the fact that I am quite put together, predictable, honest….all the things that don’t exactly make a crazy, roller coaster exciting relationship. I’m the girl you bring home to mom. 

The past five months I have been lucky enough to be in a relationship. I’m nervous because I have never felt this way about anyone before. Now I have found that although there are grand wonders in love, there can also be also horrible darkness. At least for my personality. You see, people have given me reason to expect the worst. It is like at the drop of a hat, I know I could lose him whether it be to another girl, or just because I couldn’t hold interest like I couldn’t so many times before.

So how can I put my mind at ease? I hate being so insecure. It is like my whole day can hinge on the utter of those 3 little words. “I love you” is never something that has passed through my lips easily, but I would give up most things just to hear him tell me everyday, so not a single doubt was in my mind. Is that pathetic? 

I guess I’m just learning life and love. 
I hope all of you are okay.  

Disney Princess Quiz Cinderella:
[  ] One of your parents is dead
[  ] You are expected to do a lot of chores
[X] You love to dress up
[x] You love animals
[X ] You are waiting patiently for your Prince Charming
[  ] Your mom is really strict
[ ] You have sisters who seem kind of jealous of you
[x] You’re afraid to speak your mind sometimes
[ ] You have left your shoes at a friend’s house before
[  ] You have blonde hair

TOTAL: 4

Belle:
[ ] You’ve kissed someone your friends didn’t like
[ ] You’ve been lost in the forest
[x] You love to read
[ ] You are not shy at all, and not afraid to speak your mind
[x] One of your family members is a bit weird - (How about all?)
[x] You have done volunteer work
[x] You have a wild imagination
[ ] You love to take care of people in need
[x] You’ve had guys like you only because they think you’re pretty 
[x] You’ve rejected at least one person when they’ve asked you out

TOTAL: 6

Jasmine:
[ ] Your dad is very rich/important 
[ ] You are very clever 
[x] You’ve been with someone way different from you
[x] You’re unique and different from everyone else 
[x] You’d never marry someone just because they were rich 
[x] You have set a lot of goals for yourself
[x] You don’t have a lot of friends
[x] You’re independent
[ ] You are wealthy
[ ] Your parents try to control your life

TOTAL: 6

Ariel
[ ] Your parents expect a lot from you
[ ] You really try to follow the rules, but it’s hard for you
[ ] you have red hair
[x ] You’re the youngest in your family or in the last 2
[ ] You have a lot of sisters (3 or more)
[] You collect something
[x ] You have/had long hair
[ ] You have/had a pet fish
[x] You’re extremely curious
[ ] You believe everything people tell you/you’re a bit gullible

TOTAL: 3

Snow White:
[ ] You know that you’re beautiful 
[ ] Sometimes it seems like your mom is jealous of you
[] You’ve almost been killed
[ ] You have at least seven good friends
[ ] You’ve had food poisoning
[x] You have/had short hair
[x] You get along with almost everyone
[] All of your friends are different
[x] You love to have a good time
[ ] You’re happier when you’re out of the house than in

TOTAL: 3

Mulan:
[x] You can be a tomboy sometimes.
[x] People wish you could be a bit more girly
[x] You’ve pretended to be someone you’re not
[ ] You’ve had a physical fight with someone
[ ] You have/had considered running away from home
[ ] Your parents try to plan your life out
[] A lot of your friends are boys
[] You often find yourself in bad situations
[] You feel like the world’s against you.
[] Your principles are more important to you than anything else.

TOTAL: 3

Aurora:
[x ] You live/have lived with someone other than your parents
[ ] You almost died at a very young age 
[x] You are gentle, loving, and/or thoughtful 
[ ] You have a decent singing voice
[x] You like to sleep in late on the weekends
[ ] You spend most of your time outside
[ ] You’re adopted
[x ] You’re very romantic
[ ] Pink is one of your favorite colors
[ ] You constantly sleep in.

TOTAL: 4

Pocahontas:
[x] You love to walk around and explore big cities
[x] You are more spiritual than religious
[ ] You’ve been in an interracial relationship
[ ] One of your family members is dead
[x] Your parents are/were very protective of you
[x] Someone you know has been in war
[] You love nature
[x] You have/had black hair
[x] You would love to move somewhere exotic and beautiful
[] You’re very adventurous

TOTAL: 6

Rapunzel:
[ ] You’re an orphaned child or have an evil step-mother
[x] You have many different hobbies to keep you busy
[x] You can get really bored
[ ] You have very long hair
[ ] Your hair is bright Blonde
[x] You’re an artsy person
[x ] You’re childish
[x] You can’t wait to stop the same routine each day and start living. Yet the thought of leaving is scary.
[x ] You care about others and their feelings
[x ] You like to follow the rules. Sometimes you cannot for your own good and then you feel conflicted and worry about how your mother will react.
TOTAL: 7

As I guessed, I haven’t been very good at keeping up with my studies. Better late than never, I suppose. But man, my life has taken some turns since my last post. My heart is broken right now……I don’t know what to do……….

So, I thought maybe this study could help. For those of you just seeing this, I am someone that used to have a pretty strong faith in Christianity. I have been wavering for years. I have questions that I can’t seem to find good answers to. But I was recently given a work book to help guide some bible studies, and I thought maybe it would help me. This blog is my reactions to the questions. 

How does my heart respond to God’s call for obedience? 
Well, I am not quite sure how to answer this. I guess I would have to say it responds with reservation. Most of me does want to always do the “right thing”, if you will. But there is another side of me that just keeps asking why…..
If I always try to follow God’s will, will he give me a better life? Will I become a better person? Will people like me more? Are all these reasons too selfish to be a real reason to follow? 
Jesus said that if you love him, then you will follow his law. I suppose it makes sense that those two things wouldn’t be separated. But I still can’t shake the idea of there somehow being weird selfish intentions involved here.

The bible says that God is jealous. Now, jealousy can do many negative things to a person. I wonder what it can do to God? If he truly wants someone’s attention, wouldn’t he make it more obvious? How does anyone know that God wants to talk to them at all? What if he is real, and he actually does not care about you? I mean, truly, how do you know????

I seem to be just gaining more questions as I go along…. :(

How would my story be different if God were not jealous for me?
I just don’t think I could possibly know this. Maybe I would have died in that tornado that night. I am not sure….

As I look back on my spiritual journey so far, what has disobedience to God cost me?
Well, I guess I would have to say I am a lot less sure of myself now than I was before. I still feel depressed and lonely a lot. I have a general sense of being unwanted. I don’t think I felt those things before….at least not so intensely.

How have your choices of obedience benefited you?
I felt more sure of how I felt about certain issues. I guess I just felt like I knew myself better completely. Now I am left wondering….